


light it up and let it go

by gabriel42069



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Meteorstuck, Underage Drinking, soft...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 09:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12956334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriel42069/pseuds/gabriel42069
Summary: Sometimes you just need someone to stroke your hair and remind you to breathe. Your girlfriend is excellent at both of these.





	light it up and let it go

You hate yourself, you think as you slump against the wall and slide onto the ground. You scan through your sylladex and pull out the bottle you've had stashed away in there for weeks. “I hate myself,” you say, and take a drink. It tastes like apples and shit and it burns your throat on the way down. You wipe your mouth and set the bottle down hard on the ground beside you

Your phone is in your hand before you can think otherwise, and you open Pesterchum and type out a message.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT: Why do I do this to myself?  
TT: It's like an interactive lesson in vicious cycles and self-fulfilling prophecies, and I'm the belle of the fucking ball.  
TT: Or the butt of the joke, but I'm beginning to think those two things aren't all that different.  
TT: I told myself I wasn't going to become her.  
TT: I promised myself.  
TT: Why do I always break my promises?  
TT: I told you I was going to quit.  
TT: I tried. I really did try, Kanaya.  
TT: I just don't think I'm strong enough.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is an idle chum!

TT: Sigh.  
TT: I shouldn't bother you any more than I already have.  
TT: I'm sorry.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

Well. That went terribly. You lean your head back against the wall and close your eyes. You wish you weren't like this. You wish you were strong enough to do better. You wish you could keep your promises.

You reach out without opening your eyes and fumble for the bottle. You take another drink and realize, distantly, that you're crying.

Your phone is lit up with notifications when you put the bottle back down. You have to wipe your eyes to see them clearly. The text is all jade green.

GA: Im Sorry I Didnt Mean To Ignore You  
GA: I Left My Respiteblock Without My Husktop Like Some Sort Of A Novice  
GA: Where Are You  
TT: I don't think I'm ready for you to find me.  
TT: I don't want you to see me like this.  
TT: It's embarrassing.  
GA: Theres Nothing Embarrassing About Having A Problem  
TT: I'd agree with you if I weren't slumped on the floor of a closet wearing pajamas stolen from Dave with nothing but a half-empty bottle of liquor of company.  
TT: This is just pathetic.  
GA: You Can Have More Company Than That Any Time You Want  
GA: You Know Im Just A Message Away  
TT: I appreciate it, but I need a moment to myself.  
TT: I think if I saw you right now I might start crying and then I'd really be humiliated.  
GA: Right I Can Imagine  
GA: Your Human Tears Are So Strange And Clear  
GA: I Wouldnt Want To Shed Any In Front Of Anyone Else If Mine Looked That Weird  
TT: Are your tears not clear?  
TT: I can't remember if I've ever seen you cry.  
GA: Im About As Fond Of Crying Around Other People As You Are So Id Imagine Not  
TT: It would…  
TT: I wouldn't mind if you did, you know.  
TT: I wouldn't think any less of you.  
GA: Then Why Are You So Worried About Me Seeing You In The Same Predicament  
TT: Because I don't want to make myself so vulnerable.  
TT: I've only cried in front of one person to my recollection. Dave. Before we god tiered.  
TT: I'm sure if you asked he'd tell you about it. It would be just like you were there.  
GA: I Think That Might Be An Awkward Conversation For Both Of Us So Im Going To Have To Say No  
GA: Its Not That Im Desperate To See You Cry  
GA: I Dont Ever Want You To Need To Cry  
GA: But  
GA: Youre Not Pathetic For Doing It  
TT: …  
TT: That's kind of you to say.  
TT: It means a lot to me, Kanaya.  
GA: Youre Not Pathetic For Having An Addiction Either  
GA: No One Thinks Any Less Of You For It  
GA: And We Want To Help You  
GA: I Dont Always Know How To  
GA: But Im Here Any Time You Need To Talk  
GA: Or Any Time You Need A Hug Or A Hand To Hold Or A Shoulder To Cry On  
GA: I Can Be Those Things For You If Youll Let Me  
TT: …  
TT: That would be nice.  
TT: Um.  
TT: I think my eyes are mostly dry by now, so I'm hiding in the room down the corridor from Can Town on the left.  
TT: The door is locked, but I can tell you the password.  
TT: It's the name of a girl I like.  
GA: Im On My Way

You hope you did the right thing just then. You don't know how to act in the face of all of her kindness. She always manages to one-up you when it comes to things like this, but… you suppose you can handle being outmaneuvered this once. You take the empty bottle next to you and hurl it against the far wall. It bounces off and rolls into a dark corner of the room.

Your phone buzzes with another message.

GA: Do I Have The Right Room  
GA: I Keep Entering Kanaya But It Says Its Incorrect  
GA: Did You Misspell My Name  
TT: I never said it was your name, did I?  
GA: What  
GA: You Sneaky Girl  
GA: Dont Tell Me  
TT: Try it.  
GA: If Vriska Is The Password To This Door Im Going To Be Very -  
GA: Fuck It Is  
GA: Well Hello There

You look up to see Kanaya smiling at you. She's wearing leggings and a tunic and a pair of your earrings with the little suns. She sits cross-legged on the ground next to you and holds out a hand. You take it.

“I'm sorry,” you whisper. Your throat is dry.

“It's okay,” she says gently. “You're okay.”

“I wish I was a better person.” You squeeze your eyes shut against what are definitely tears. Fuck. “I wish I didn't have these problems.”

“You're already a good person,” Kanaya says. “Problems don't make you a bad person.” She brushes your hair back from your forehead. “Do you want to talk more or just lie down?”

“I feel bad for needing you to take care of me,” you say as she pulls your head into her lap and starts combing her fingers through your hair. 

Her nails scratch gently at your scalp. She makes a soft, chiding tch tch sound. “You don’t have to feel bad, Rose.”

“I’d rather not talk,” you say after a moment. “Could we just sit?”

“Of course.” 

Your eyes struggle to stay open. Kanaya starts humming gently as she strokes your hair. “Rest,” she says softly, and you drift off to sleep.


End file.
